Balancing Act

Recently I was catching up with a friend who had her second baby about 8 weeks ago now. She was looking forward to returning to work the following week because she's been coming down with a case of cabin fever lately.

"I know what you mean," was my reply. And I feel like I really do. I'm an extrovert who stays (mostly) at home with my almost 8-month-old son. I really believe in the choice I've made, consider it a blessing, and know that it's what I'm called to do at this point in my life. But it's hard!

As we continued to chat, we ended up deciding that although being at home with little ones is not anywhere near boring, it really takes a lot of balance. She was wondering what I was doing to find that balance. At the time, I was confidently able to rattle off quite a few things that I do in search of it:

I'm someone who needs to be doing things with my brain. I read dozens of journal articles and blog posts and editorials from all over the internet. I'm always in the middle of a few books and will frequently listen to podcasts as well. I also write in this blog, though more seldom than I wish.
I also need interaction with people: I have more energy and am a happier person after a coffee date with a friend, meeting with coworkers, or a weekend at home with family. So I still have a very part-time job where I get to facilitate a class on the college level and coordinate the logistics for said class. I'm the chair of the young adult ministry for our parish. There's a group of 8 or so lovely women and their babies, all less than 2 years old, who I get together with each week for lunch and conversation. I attend bi-weekly breastfeeding support group. And then there's the daily chat with my mom on the phone.

And that's how I stay perfectly balanced.

Not. I'm totally still on the journey to finding balance and since having this conversation my lack thereof has become glaringly obvious. I get pretty antsy by he middle of day, especially if it happens to also be the middle of the week. Even if I had a coffee date that morning. If I haven't left the house all day, my husband is greeted by somewhat of a cold shoulder, because I almost feel like I'm out of practice having conversations when I haven't had one yet.

Lately I'm left wondering: I'm able to do exactly what I wanted and be my son's main caregiver--why aren't I over the moon with gratitude and feeling really refreshed everyday in this job?

Oh, right. Because it's still hard. And while many days I do feel like I'm in a really good place, some days are just harder than others. Putting his needs before my own means I have to die to myself a little bit. I have to plan my days around his nap times and eating times. Sitting down and writing or reading often needs to wait until he's content playing on the floor or sleeping, and often it's interrupted. The busy-body in me really misses days of hustle-and-bustle until I drop but babies just don't hustle.

Although I don't when (or if) I'll ever feel like I really have this mom thing all balanced out, I do know that God is using this role as momma to make me a better person. To draw me closer to Him, because you'd better believe it takes quite a few Hail Marys to garner up the patience needed to stay awake with a fussy baby at 3:30 in the morning. I'm being shown what virtues I'm lacking through this form of suffering. And each day, if I accept the grace God constantly extends, he reveals to me the beauty of motherhood. It's all truly a balancing act.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a baby boy who would like to be held.

~Danielle

Advent Unplugged: Week 1

Advent is upon us and this year I'd really like to honor this part of the liturgical year for what it should be: a time of intentional preparation, anticipation, and reflection as we wait for the celebration of the birth of Christ!

I'm linking up with Haley over at Carrots for Michaelmas for "Advent Unplugged" and have come up with my own plan for unplugging, primarily from Facebook, during this season as well as making an intentional effort to infuse my daily life with opportunities for reflection.

My Advent Plan:

Delete facebook from my phone. If you're keeping up with my posts, you'd be confused right now because didn't I just delete it about a month ago? Yes, yes I did. But it found it's way back to my phone when I wanted to easily upload a few photos to facebook. The app makes it about 33 times easier than trying to do it using Safari. Soo...the plan is to allow myself to upload photos to facebook using the app on Sundays, if I wish. Otherwise I just automatically scroll through the news feed while I'm nursing and I'm positive there are better uses of my time.

Download the Relevant Radio app. So...maybe this seems counter-intuitive to the whole "unplugged" thing. But my father-in-law had been telling me how much he likes the programming on Relevant Radio and it seems like an easy way to infuse some intentional programming into my life. I'm someone who really needs to be taking in information throughout the day, which is why I default to Facebook so often. With just me and a 7 month old at home, I know that I can still fully meet his needs and be present to him while listening to a radio show or two. And it's surely better than looking at my phone screen.

Read/listen to the daily readings each day. This liturgical season is full of readings that should fill us with anticipation, reminding us that our entire lives are actually "Advents" for the promise of heaven! In his homily on Sunday, the priest pointed out that the daily readings really don't talk about the first coming of Christ in Christmas until around December 18th! Instead, they point towards the second coming of Christ, that which we're all still waiting for. Reading these each day (or listening to them via the Laudate app...I know...more "plugged" but I can do it while holding Silas or getting ready in the morning!) will allow me to remain focused on Advent, the season at hand, instead of getting swept away in all things Christmas too soon!

Reflection as a family. Brandon and I are going through a little reflection booklet together. And it's an actual book--not something online for once! It's actually quotes from the writings of Saint Padre Pio coupled with a bible verse. We each read the page for the day separately when we eat breakfast in the morning (Brandon's up and ready early and I sleep as long as little man will let me!) Then at dinner we read it aloud and talk about if it struck us in anyway.

As Advent continues I'll update on how well my adherence to the plan is going!

Hope your Advent is off to a reflective, intentional start!

~Danielle

Waiting on Writing

Since a few months before Silas was born I have been following blogs. The idea of regularly reading what a complete stranger had to say was at first just that: strange. Now, though, I have around 40 blogs whose posts pop up on my feed and I really have found that they enhance my life in many ways. They're usually well-written. Many of them are quite humorous and make me laugh out loud at the screen. They inspire me to try new things, direct me to new, fun websites, lead me to research different subjects, and think about things with a new perspective. I am so grateful for happening upon the lives of these women (I'm pretty sure every blog I regularly read is written by a woman...) through the words that they choose to write and post for the world to see.

What I've found, though, is that I have become a bit more intimidated to publish blog posts myself. There have been plenty of times when I am struck by something or feel the desire to write, but find myself wondering if what I have to say is really interesting enough to put out on the internet. I've become more critical of writing, more self-aware in a not-so-positive way. In a hindering way. Because when I question if something is "enough"--interesting, reflective, deep, inspirational-- I am, in that moment, taking away my  ability to create. Through my self-doubt, I am robbing myself of the space to work out my own thoughts and document the happenings of this season of life.

And so as I was reflecting today on why I haven't actually written much of anything lately, blog post or otherwise, I decided I need to stop wondering how my writing may be perceived, waiting for the perfect topic, and comparing what I write to others. I need to get back to writing for the person that needs it most: me. I need to tell my story, jot down my thoughts, document my reflections.

I'm going to make it a goal to post at least once per week in the next month, not including any link-ups I decide to join. I know that writing helps me fight cabin fever, and I know that cabin fever sets in quickly. We got some snow today and I felt myself being thrown into a panic that this is the beginning of being stuck in my house for the season. Writing helps me sort through my thoughts. When life feels crazy or overwhelming writing puts me back in a state of peace and optimism, so that I can be a better wife and mom and friend and not be so crotchety when the daily grind throws a swift kick to my shins. It also feeds the part of me who really needs to achieve a tangible accomplishments--I am happiest when I feel useful.

No more waiting on the perfect thought or topic or revelation to write: I just need to write.

Five Favorites (vol. 8)

It's a lovely Wednesday yet again, and this time I actually have a moment to participate in five favorites! Find more over at Hallie's.

As a new momma, I have found that the teensiest bit of pampering goes a very long way. The smallest treat can really turn around my entire attitude/day. Below, find my five favorite ways to retreat from the monotony of life with a babe!

-1-
A cup of the good stuff. And by this I mean coffee in any of it's many beloved forms. Cup o' Joe, flavored latte, cappuccino, chai latte (okay, I know this isn't actually coffee, but it's close enough...or something), iced coffee... I've pretty much tried it all and love it all, especially when it contains quite a bit of sugar.
I used to drink coffee everyday but stopped when I was pregnant--not because I was "supposed to," but because for the first 18 weeks or so it was practically repulsive! Good thing that didn't last all of pregnancy and good thing pregnancy doesn't last for life.

On our honeymoon we were always on the hunt for two things: coffee and churches. Oh, and see those cannoli? We were in Sicily and I am sure I will never, ever have cannoli as good as those anywhere else.

A coffee drink of some sort always feels like a treat to me, whether it's from the Keurig in our kitchen or the coffee shop down the street. Not something I need, but something that can help to start out my morning (or, heck, afternoon!) the right way.

-2-
Pedicures. I really love the process of getting a pedicure--there are few things better than having your feet rubbed. I also really love looking down at my toes weeks months later and seeing them all cute and painted. When I was living in Kansas City, I'm pretty sure my roomies and I went once every few weeks to get a manicure and/or pedicure. You can guess that I wasn't on any sort of budget at all. Now I'm married and have a husband who's super good at keeping us on track. So good that we have a "Prettifying Danielle" budget and I get to save up our pennies until I have enough for a mani/pedi/massage/haircut. Last Saturday morning I decided it was pedicure day and got to sneak out of the house for an hour to indulge in that little treat--such a great way to start a weekend!

-3-
Adoration. Now, I'm sure this isn't on most people's top 10 list for getting "pampered." But the purpose of taking a little retreat from life is always to feel less stressed, right? For me, 30 minutes spent in prayer adoring the Blessed Sacrament is exponentially relaxing and stress-relieving and can absolutely turn my day right-side-up again. PTL (Praise the Lord) that there is a 24-hour Adoration Chapel just 3 blocks from our house! Truly, this is a treat I should indulge in more...so far it's the only one that's free, enhances my life for the long run (although the argument could be made that coffee has this ability), and allows me to accept the grace God is always gifting us with.

-4-
Red wine. So mom of the year award goes to me because Silas has definitely visited the winery at least 4 times in his short little life. What can I say? We like wine around here. Especially the red stuff.

Silas is more into the glass itself than the delicious drink it holds.

On the weekends the hubs and I will have a glass after baby is in bed and it's always such a delicious way to end the day! It's funny how just one glass of wine also helps me remember that there's life outside of babyland. Not that I dislike being steeped in all-things-baby all day and spending lots of time with him, it's just so easy to get lost in that world! My glass of wine whispers to me, "Hey, you're an adult and you can think about adult things sometimes."

-5-
Chatting with a friend. What a God-send the telephone is! While I have a handful of fabulous friends where we live, I've only been here for a bit over 2 years and so most of the besties aren't in town! Being able to talk to my momma everyday and several of my friends regularly really is a kind of pampering for me, a break from the day. Talking to those who I don't have to explain anything to is comforting and it doesn't matter how long it's been between phone calls, we can just pick back up where we left off!

Taking a little moment to pamper yourself today--you'll be better for it! I find that I can be a better mom and wife and friend when I take care of myself.

~Danielle

Conversation Killers

Conversations are important in getting to know people, and us humans are a species who need frequent interaction with one another.  But sometimes you're in a conversation with a lovely somebody and suddenly you're stumped. You furrow your brow and purse your lips and try to figure out what you could possibly say next.  The nice conversation you were having has come to a startling halt.  What the heck happened?

I've been thinking lately that there are a few things you can say in a conversation that will absolutely kill it. Only a professional small-talker can really come back gracefully when one of these convo crimes have been committed:

1. One-upping. You're at lunch with a friend, and upon asking how work is going, she shares with you the troubles she's been having lately with her boss.  But let's be real--none of it sounds as bad as that one time when...
It is so easy to fall into the trap of wanting to share your worst of the worst, isn't it? Especially when the conversation has already derailed into the complain train?  But most often when a friend is complaining, she really just wants to get it off of her chest and be heard.  By sharing "that one time when" you  might come off as trying to one-up her situation, making her feel like she shouldn't really be having trouble at all, because you've had it way worse.  Before sharing, consider if the story you tell will be helpful and if it will aim to problem-solve.  If not, you may want to keep it to yourself for now and instead ask her a question or two, aiming towards positive solutions.

2. Comparing to your personal situation.  You're at a wedding and someone you went to school with is chatting about a big vacation they just got back from. Psh. He's always going on some elaborate outing or buying some new expensive piece of technology.  And he probably doesn't even realize how lucky he is, because you sure can't afford all of that and it would be impossible to do now that you have kids.  So you should remind him that this fabulous life he's living is really a gift and you surely could never have anything like it, right?
Probably not.  When good things happen to other people, it's not an invitation to compare it to your experience and wallow in your own unfulfilled desires.  You can think it, but saying aloud, "I wish I had the time/money/a husband who/a dog that..." really doesn't engage the person you're talking to at all. How is someone supposed to respond to that? The only way to move forward following any form of  "I wish" is by apologizing for the blessings of his life or changing the conversation altogether. Awkward.

3. Assuming you know exactly what they're about to say. It's really easy to get into the habit of anticipating what will be said next, but conversations shouldn't resemble chess games. Assuming can be a conversation killer because it has the potential to stifle the direction it could've gone in...you wouldn't want to talk yourself out of a seriously interesting discussion! Be in the moment and give yourself time to think after a question has been asked...you'll probably do a better job of answering it.  Be willing to ask for clarification about a response they gave you...assuming what they meant by a statement can also end badly.

4. Answering with simply "yes" or "no" even if it was only a yes or no question.  An awkward pause ensues until the question-asker responds with a follow-up: "Why?"  Save them the trouble and keep the convo trucking along. Unless, of course it was an awkward question you'd like to avoid talking about and you'd prefer the conversation end right about...now.

5. "You didn't know that?!" I am so guilty of this, and I'd like to believe that I say it out of passion for whatever it is being talked about.  Brandon has gently brought to my attention that this is pretty rude, as what could your convo compadre say except for "no..." and then they feel a little bit silly/stupid/like they've been living under a rock because they do not, in fact, know whatever it is I'm talking about.  An explanation/description said with gusto adequately conveys that same passion without being condescending.

Hopefully avoiding these conversation killers will help you get more out of the discussions you have and lead to better relationships!

Are there other conversation killers that should be added to the list?  

Bliss is...becoming the best version of yourself.

Today I was able to live out the kind of person I intend to be.  I will list some of the traits I would like to think I have, and how I exuded them today.


1) Spend quality, low-tech time with the people I love.
          My husband and I constantly reflect on the fact that we simply enjoy being around each other, and try to be productive while spending time together as often as possible.  We rarely watch movies or tv, because instead we enjoy making meals together, playing cards, taking a walk.  We appreciate activities that a) get us up and moving; and b) allow us to talk about anything and everything.  So, today, we worked for a few hours stenciling and painting our latest DIY project: our bedroom dresser.


2) Cook homemade meals.
          Today I made lasagna from (almost) scratch.  (The almost is because I did, in fact, use a jar of spaghetti sauce.  I do not carry the trait of sticking to strictly homemade everything, though, so this was just fine, as far as my day was concerned!)  


3) Plan ahead.
          I actually made one 8x8 pan of lasagna for us to eat this evening, and one 8x8 pan that is in the freezer for some other evening this week or next week.  Although planning ahead is something I do in many of the compartments of my life, food is not one of them.  Consistently it is 6pm on a weeknight and Brandon and I look at each other, stomachs a'rumbling, and have no idea what to make.  Many times we haven't even gone grocery shopping within the last two weeks, and so have no options except macaroni and cheese or a quesadilla...not quite the healthiest alternatives.  Today, though, I have helped solve that problem in the near future. 


4) Keep my home clean.
            Lately my lack of time at home means my lack of a neat place to live.  Today, though, I swept the entire main level, vacuumed the stairs, and vacuumed upstairs, as well as washed a rug.  Now, as if that wasn't enough, I also, for the very first time *drum roll, please* cleaned the kitchen as I cooked lasagna.  Including the dishes.  You must know that washing dishes by hand is my absolute least favorite chore at home.  I told my mom it's because of how dry my hands get.  She suggests wearing gloves....genius, I know! Until that time when I have gloves in my kitchen, washing dishes by hand remains my unwanted chore--yet I overcame it today! Yay for a clean kitchen!


5) Keep in touch with loved ones.
          While floundering around my kitchen in preparation for lasagna, I called my momma and we got to talk for about 40 minutes.  Chatting with her, about everything and nothing, is so refreshing to me and can instantly bring me back to reality when I'm feeling out of touch.  I so appreciate how often she listens to me babble on and on, and also how wise her advice is.


It's important to look for days like today. Days when you know you're exactly where you're supposed to be, appreciating the journey towards joy.

--Danielle