Snow and my "sunny" side

I am absolutely an optimist. And most of the time it's really not on purpose. Where some people's thoughts immediately jump to the negative aspect of a situation, typically mine head straight for the positive. I've come in contact with people who aren't so thrilled by this personality trait of mine: rolling of eyes or giving me a blank stare when I point out the "sunny" side of an otherwise displeasing situation.

And so I surprised myself yesterday when the first good snowfall of the season put me in a serious funk. I was not impressed, to say the least.

It started snowing shortly after I woke up. Really it was somewhere between rain and sleet at first. No big deal. Then there were flurries. Weird...I didn't know it was supposed to snow. The flurries turned into big flakes and the flakes came down, at times heavily, for the better part of two hours! There was snow covering the ground and not melting quickly. And suddenly I felt myself panic. Snow?! But it's only November.

I stood by our back door with Silas in tow and watched as the big, beautiful flakes of November snow hit our deck and stick. But I couldn't muster a single optimistic thought. It's accumulating? My freaking out increases, as does Silas' intrigue. What.the.heck? (as heard on instagram) I was not emotionally prepared for snow.

But why should I need to be? Where did my "make the best of every situation" disposition run off to when I needed it most? For the first 25 years of my life snow incited a feeling of excitement and anticipation for me. I have always loved snow, no matter how early or late or surprising it was. So what happened?

As much as I am an optimist, I am also an extrovert. Although I've known this for a long time--being dubbed "gregarious" as a child and scoring an "E" when taking the MBTI in college--I've been realizing lately just how much of my energy comes from interactions with others.

Answer: a lot.

I find that I'm so exhausted on the nights where I haven't interacted with anyone except Silas. He's really great, a fantastically happy baby, but he just can't carry on any sort of recognizable conversation. I'm pretty short with Brandon when he gets home from work if I haven't been out all day. It's like I need conversations to have conversations. And although I prefer chatting in person (over a large cup of coffee...), I feel refreshed being able to talk on the phone with a friend or even just texting or having a convo on gchat! Pretty sure I might die within just a few days if I was ever relegated to solitary confinement.

So why did I freak the heck out as the snow fell to the ground? Because this year the impending cold weather season means more than the beauty it brings. This year I'm home with my beautiful babe. It's so much harder to trek out in winter weather when you have a sidekick and I'm nervous that it will leave me feeling cooped  up in the house. I'm anxious that it will lessen my chances at consistent adult conversation and leave me feeling exhausted with a side of cabin fever. I don't like losing my optimism, but that's the side effect when the extrovert in my doesn't get what she needs--a daily dose of people.

Around noon yesterday the snow stopped, but it was still brutally cold outside (for November, anyway). Although I had a few errands to run in mind, it just seemed like a lot of work to get the baby all bundled up, to take him in and out of the car seat multiple times. "Stupid snow" and "stupid winter" were the thoughts that alerted me that something was definitely going on...

Sometime between when it started to snow and noon, I had lost my "sunny" side. I realized, though, that getting out of the house was exactly what I needed to get my optimism back. Human interaction, even if just via the cashiers I'd see, would allow me to more easily see snow as I always had in the past; not something to complain about, but as something that is beautiful and induces excitement for the season. Off we went, bundled baby and all. And I have to say, the day got sunnier indeed.

Saying "Yes"

I often think too much and have mini revelations along the way. Then I share these revelations with someone, usually Brandon or my mom, and it dawns on me how terribly obvious they are.  God speaks to us in simple ways, no?

So what's the latest simple thought?  The intensity of one little "yes." (or, in my case, "of course!")--that we had no idea what the future would hold when we decided to get married. (duh, right?)

Over the weekend I was looking at some of our engagement photos.  The guestbook at our wedding included photos from our engagement session, and this book sits on a table in our living room so it is easy to glance through them every now and then.  Although they were taken only 3 years ago, it is so amazing to me how much has changed since then.  It's incredible how much our love has grown (and even multiplied with Silas' introduction to our little family!), how many laughs and jokes have come about, how many experiences we've gone through together. day in and day out.

Brandon proposed on our one year anniversary of knowing one another.  Although I wasn't expecting it, per se, I sure was hoping!  He took me to my favorite bridge (doesn't everyone have a favorite?) on a very cold frigid January 1st.  I am someone who is always cold.  The air conditioner can be set at 73, and I will be cold.  So as you can imagine, I wasn't all that thrilled to be taking a walk on the Riverwalk on January 1st, and Brandon was hearing about it.  I couldn't feel my feet or my cheeks and I thought we had gone far enough to commemorate our first date, which took place on this very Riverwalk.  Brandon didn't think so and insisted we just go to the bridge and back.  I complained, but we carried on, mitten-in-glove.  When we got to this favorite bridge of mine, Brandon made some small talk and then hugged me tightly.  Next he commented on how pretty the river looked, making me turn away from him.  When I turned back around he was on one knee and I really have no idea what all he said, but I know it was lovely and ended with "Will you marry me?"  I exclaimed "Of course!" with tears in my eyes.  We joke that we're not sure if it was because of how cold I was or how excited I was, because I do not cry often.

It's incredible how in that moment, then and there, I committed my life to him, to our life together. Now obviously sometimes engagements are broken off and saying "yes" to a proposal doesn't hold a flame to speaking your wedding vows, which promise your life "in good times and bad" to your spouse.  When Brandon proposed, though, then and there on the spot I was willing to say yes to all of our tomorrows.

As I look at our engagement pictures, I had this funny revelation that I said yes despite being blind to the future.  On that day, I could have never dreamed up our first-born, Silas, and yet here he is--an integral part of our lives for the rest of our lives.  Even right now I can't dream of what our family might look like in 10 years, what other little souls will be so much the focus of our lives.  On January 1st, 2011, when he pulled out that gorgeous ring, I said yes to really rough days, and hurt feelings, disappointments and disagreements, living far from family, and dealing with the many, many other things that will happen to us.  I also said yes to my vocation, to more joy than I could ever imagine, to many giggle fits and deep late-night conversations. Because that yes meant I would go through sickness and health with him.  It's incredible how risky this sounds, when you think about it logically.  But what I also said "yes" to was how I knew I felt about him.  I knew, right then and there, that I would be able to navigate life's rocky waters a little more gracefully if Brandon was co-captain of the boat.

So today, as it becomes a sliver clearer how much I really committed to in saying "of course," I am grateful that he is the man who got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife, even if it is obvious how very little we know about what the future holds for us.

~Danielle

Choosing Favorites

Have you ever come in contact with someone who just a little bit annoys the heck out of you and you're not quite sure why?  And post-hanging out with said person, you feel really awful because you realized that pretty much the whole time you were being a judgmental jerk?

Ya, I've been there too.

I have to say that the one things that gets to me the most is when someone tries to "win" in every conversation.  You know the kind.  During the course of every conversation you find out that you definitely weren't as successful as they were in high school, you could not have possibly been more stressed out than they were when planning your wedding, your weekend was surely not as awesome as the one time they...

I'm pretty sure that it's my own pride which is annoyed by this kind of person.  I don't like being told that I had it way better or had it way worse, and I defensively decide that person is trying to "win" that conversation.  And yet, the thing that annoys me is when I feel like other people are prideful.  Obviously I exude the exact same "character flaws" that I am judging in others. Actually, I am probably 320 times more prideful than they are, which is exactly why that trait bothers me about them--because I can't get away from it in myself.  Talk about seeing the speck in your neighbors eye when you have a beam in your own.

So I've been trying something new lately.  When I feel like I am beginning to be annoyed and/or judgmental in a conversation, I just decide that the person I am sitting across is my absolute favorite and I don't get to see them often.  Because, think about it, when someone is your favorite, you totally let those little things go. You enjoy every moment you have with them.  You aren't sitting there being annoyed, thinking about how they are saying something or if they are trying to outdo you.  Instead, you just really want to know what's going on in their life, you hang onto what they are saying because it's bound to be great, because you want to remember it later.  When someone is your favorite, you love them past their flaws and many times don't even see them!  Not only does this "choosing favorites" help keep me less judgmental, it also has the capability to exponentially improve my relationship with that person!  I know I am more likely to show them compassion and charity, as they deserve.

Because, truly, when someone else annoys me, it has nothing to do with them and everything to do with me.

~Danielle

(I'm writing everyday this week thanks to encouragement from Jen. Check her page out to see others who are taking up the challenge!) 

Found Meditation

Sometimes thoughts cross my mind that I just have to write down because they feel like a small epiphany.  Organizing a notebook this afternoon and I found this scribble:

"Sometimes you hear people say 'You have 2 ears and 1 mouth: Listen as much as you speak.'  Typically they're referring to listening to others.

It is necessary, though, to listen to your own heart, your own reactions to what someone is saying, before you speak.  Listen for guidance from the Holy Spirit before speaking."

A quip for the day...

Danielle