Earlier this week I was hanging out with three friends and
their babies, all under 2 years of age with Silas as the youngest at 10 months.
All four little ones were playing nicely for the most part, going from toy to toy
peacefully and taking redirection calmly when they probably shouldn’t grab a
toy out of another kid’s hand or throw that ball at someone’s face. Us mommas
were happily sitting against the four walls of the room, chatting about life
and baby names and remodeling projects and spring while sipping tea and intermittently
playing with our littles.
If you cropped out Silas and I from this room you’d see basically
our typical weekday afternoon at home: I hang out on the floor watching as he
sprint crawls towards a toy, chews on it for a bit, and then sprint crawl
towards another. We look at toys and name their colors. I hold him on my lap
while flipping through a book and then tickle his tummy just to experience one
of his perfect little chuckles and smiling eyes.
Yet this felt different. Sitting in that room of toys, light streaming
through the window-covered walls, chatting with three other stay at home moms
felt like a retreat from everyday life. I noticed how free this afternoon
conversation felt. It was missing my typical distracted train of thoughts, the
ones that somehow plow me over without warning, chugging along filled to the
brim with my “shoulds.” Why didn’t I finish the laundry yesterday? The sink
really is starting to get full. Do I read enough books to him? I should try to
be on my phone less. This carpet needs to be vacuumed and look at all those handprints
on the fireplace doors.
I facilitate a class at a university in town and today we
talked about our FUDs: Fears, Doubts, and Uncertainties. Everybody has FUDs, showing
their annoying little faces in many corners of our lives. My own doubts distract me, cause me to
mistrust my ability to raise this tiny child into a confident, humble,
Lord-loving, joy-finding man. I’m uncertain if I’m as productive as I should
be, as focused as I could be, as domestic as I need to be. I fear what could
happen if I lose the balance between me-time and we-time.
It’s so easy to be controlled by our FUDs. Like an oil
spill, our fears and doubts and uncertainties leak into our thoughts, drip,
drip, drip into the ocean of our minds, tainting reality. Dwelling on the “could’ve,
would’ve, and should’ve” takes us right out of the here-and-now, instead
thinking hard about the past and future, on what cannot be undone and what has
not yet transpired. Our fears, uncertainties, and doubts blur what is good and
true and takes away the gift of the present.
While watching the babies play I was relaxed and engaged,
both in the current conversation and in what Silas was doing. There was no mom-guilt,
no distracted thoughts... things I “should” be doing didn’t even
cross my mind, because I was there to socialize and that was exactly what we
were doing.
It made me yearn for this peace when I’m at home, sitting on
the floor just me and Silas. While of course cleaning around the house and laundry all need to get done, Ican't allow doubts or fears or uncertainties to motivate my behavior or overtake my thoughts. I’ll be aiming to control the FUDs that sneak in and instead
choose to focus on the gift of taking care of my son, enjoying these peaceful, fleeting moments with him.
Today's post is number 4 for 7 posts, 7 days. To read more and maybe find a few new blogs to follow, visit Jen!
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